The Space Between
by BeebleZeeble
Summary: Thom remembers the day Alanna went under the ice.


The first time Thom heard his sister's friends laugh at her fear of the cold he was taken aback. While he could admit that she often looked funny in her excessive layers, he still couldn't find it that amusing. He too easily remembered the day she almost drowned.

In Thom's memory that day was crystal clear. They wouldn't usually get to spend so much time frolicking with the villagers, but Thom and Alanna had been unusually well-behaved in their morning lessons, and Coram had decided that instead of training with him in the afternoon he would take them down to the duckpond and let them ice skate. Thom remembered because Coram had called it "agility training," and then laughed as though it were a joke. Since neither Alanna nor Thom had known what "agility" meant, they had only stared at him in confusion.

Thom remembered sitting on a log by the pond, watching in amazement as the ordinary people he thought he knew were transformed into spinning, gliding, jumping Players. Everyone seemed to be there, and Thom briefly imagined the village behind him, empty and deserted while all of its people came out to play. It was a perfect winter day, bone cold but sunny, with almost no wind. No one wanted to waste the opportunity to be outside, not when several more months of frigid temperatures were still coming.

When he thought really hard, Thom could still recall the way his cheeks felt touched by the sun's warmth, and the feeling of Coram tugging his skate boots on for him. He could remember Coram having to scold Alanna for wiggling too much when he tried to lace her skates for her, and Thom could recall feeling irritated with his twin. If Thom had known the word "ironic" back then he might have used it, as Alanna's constant impatience often made things take much longer than they needed to.

They had of course, skated a bit before. They were children of the north, after all. But this year they were _five_. At five neither of them needed to hold Coram's hands after the initial few minutes, and at five when Thom fell down he could get right back up again all by himself. Thom remembered feeling deep pleasure at this small marker of maturity.

Thom could still recall the fun he and Alanna had been having, racing each other across the ice. Alanna had always been faster than him, but he was more agile. His cheeks had been flushed with cold and delight as he flew after his sister, both of them giggling as they darted between the skating villagers, speeding towards the far side of the pond.

He remembered the horrifying crack that had proceeded her fall, so loud it eclipsed all other sound. One moment Alanna's crazed cackling filled the air, announcing that she was about to win, and then the next it had sounded like the earth had burst open.

He remembered the sudden terror. Alanna was there, and then suddenly she wasn't. At first he struggled to understand, looking all around for her in confusion.

Then he felt it.

That feeling he got sometimes when Alanna was frightened or hurt, the sense that his other half, his second body, was in danger. It was worse than he had ever felt it before. He screamed in pain and terror, and he felt his lungs straining for breath. Cold enveloped him, and his chest felt like it was being squeezed flat. Someone was holding him back, arms wrapped around him as they desperately tried to calm him. Thom remembered kicking and flailing against those arms in his panic.

Next he had heard Coram's roar as the man sprinted across the ice towards the hole. Thom remembered a villager shouting after him, "Yer only going to fall in yerself that way!" Someone had tossed Coram a rope, and as Coram got close to the hole he went down on his belly, sliding the rest of the way. When he was near enough, Coram reached into the icy water, frantically feeling about. After what felt like ages Coram stood up, and began quickly striping down to his loincloth. Thom remembered feeling befuddled as to why Coram would decide to get naked now, of all times, but then Coram dove into the hole Alanna had made in the ice.

Thom remembered a man saying softly (but not softly enough), "This is folly. The girl is already dead, or is about to be. Coram'll kill himself over a corpse." His companion shushed him, with a meaningful look over at Thom. It was at this point Thom had realized he was still screaming. He could still feel the suffering of his other body, the fear and the pain. He couldn't breathe through the water in his lungs, and he was so cold that his whole body felt like it was on fire.

Just after Coram dove into the black water, Thom felt something even worse than Alanna's pain: a sudden nothingness. Abruptly Thom was only himself, bearably cold and able to breathe, being held by the miller's wife as she cooed at him, tears in her voice. He went limp and silent, and the woman seemed to think she had finally soothed him. Instead Thom knew that this must surely be the end. Alanna wasn't in the world anymore, and the pain had become so unbearable that something had broken inside him. He was waiting to leave as well, knowing that just as Alanna had followed him into life, he was going to follow her back out of it again. There was no way he could keep living if she were dead.

He remembered Coram surfacing after what felt like ages, gasping and gagging. Men from the village were shouting now, pulling him up from the depths with the rope. In Coram's other arm he clutched a ragged wet bundle. As soon as Coram was towed to sturdy ground he began stripping the layers of furs away from the thing he had carried out of the water. Villagers Thom hadn't even seen leave were running forward with blankets, shouting information Thom couldn't begin to process.

Coram's bundle was too small and fragile to be a person, but somehow it was Alanna. Her hair looked dark and matted, and her skin had a sickly bluish tint. This wasn't Thom's sister, this Alanna was far too still and cold and empty. A villager threw a dry blanket around Coram's shoulders as the soldier frantically worked to remove her wet layers. When he got to her face a few villagers gasped. Alanna's eyes were open, and her small mouth was shaped in a near-perfect O. Thom felt nothing but acceptance, and maybe some slight impatience. This thing wasn't his twin, it was some kind of remnant of her. Alanna was surely waiting for him someplace else, and Thom felt irritation that he hadn't been taken there yet.

Up until that point, Thom had known for a fact that his sister was invincible. Even Coram would joke that she was clearly made out of toughened leather, because nothing seemed to keep her down for long. Injuries that surely would have devastated Thom, Alanna would laugh off easily. When they were very young she had been the climber of the two, scaling bookshelves and trees with ease. She once fell down a half flight of stairs before Coram had dramatically caught her. Her body was always a mess of scratches and bruises, and when they took their baths together it nearly horrified Thom to see it. Thom had seen her in pain before, but the day at the pond was something different, something much more sinister and horrifying.

Coram didn't seem to be put off by Alanna's apparent lack of life. As soon as her face was visible Coram bent over her, his fingers pinching her nose as he pressed his mouth to hers. Thom couldn't comprehend why Coram thought kissing her would help right now, but Coram did it anyway, pausing after each breath to examine her. After a few of these, Coram began to compress Alanna's chest, bringing his adult weight to push hard on her sternum.

Thom heard himself cry out "You're hurting her!" even as he knew Alanna was somewhere she couldn't be hurt anymore. Coram ignored him, and after a few pumps returned to Alanna's mouth. The miller's wife tried to turn Thom away, so he wouldn't have to see, but he thrashed wildly enough that she gave up.

Coram cycled back and forth desperately, between pumping and breathing until he looked too tired to keep going. Another man-at-arms, one Thom didn't know, stepped in to take over until Coram was ready to start again.

An eternity later Maude came running up. Thom had never seen the old healer move so fast. Evidently someone had brought her from the village on horseback. "Move!" she barked and both soldiers leapt out of her way. Maude reached out to Alanna, and quickly the bright fire of her gift enveloped the small girl. Thom's other body got what felt like a kick to the chest, and Thom felt his breath leave him.

All at once, Alanna's body roared into life, She spasmed and jerked, and began violently expelling water from her mouth. Coram held her so that her tiny chest was braced against his forearm, and he pounded her back as she vomited. Thom could see her small shoulder blades sharp against her chemise, shaking as she gagged and gasped.

Thom felt the pain come roaring back, but he was so relieved that it nearly felt like pleasure. Alanna spluttered out the last bit of water, and went limp.

Coram flipped her back over, "Alanna! Lass, can ye hear me?" he shouted in her face. Alanna's eyes had closed again, but her chest had started to rise and fall. Thom burst free from the miller's wife, and ran towards his sister. "Alanna!" he called.

Suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks, as he saw Alanna began to shake violently, still unconscious.

"Get her warm!" Maude roared. Coram was already moving, leaping to his feet. He wrapped Alanna in his blanket, and ran for the horse Maude had ridden on.

"Meet us at the castle," Coram bellowed back at Maude. "I'll put her in the bath until ye get there!"

Thom remembered feeling absolute horror at being separated from his sister again, but there was nothing he could do. Before he knew it both Coram and Maude were gone, and the villagers were starting to come to life again as well. They were still whispering, but they had mostly all begun to gather up their belongings to head back to Trebond. Thom remembered feeling abandoned and frightened: he had never been so far from the castle without both his sister and a minder before. Surely someone would remember to come fetch him? Thom remembered becoming slowly aware that the miller and his wife were fighting behind him, speaking in heated whispers.

Just as Thom turned to look at them, the couple ceased fighting. The miller threw his hands up in the air, and began to gather up their children. The wife walked up to Thom, and curtsied.

"My lord, if I may, I can return you to your castle," she said. Thom opened his mouth to respond, but no words would come out. The woman gave him a sympathetic smile, and added, "Come now, I'm sure your people are looking for you." Without waiting for his response, she scooped Thom up and settled him on her hip, and began the long walk back to the castle.

Thom wanted to tell her that he was far too big to be carried, he was five after all, but his limbs felt like jelly and he was too tired to speak, so he sagged in her arms and let her baby him. She smelled of sweat and hard work, but also of freshly baked bread. Thom closed his eyes as he inhaled.

Thom remembered expecting them to run into someone looking for him, a soldier maybe or a nursemaid, but no one stopped them as the miller's wife trudged up the path to the portcullis.

When the miller's wife passed the first set of guardsmen, Thom briefly made eye contact with one. The man smirked at him, and Thom had felt hot shame erupt in his cheeks. _He thinks I'm acting like a baby, they all think I'm a baby,_ Thom thought, and he felt the heat course through his body. The miller's wife wasn't sure where to go next, and Thom became terrified that she would ask the guard, and compound his mortification. He wriggled away from her, in the universal child language of "put me down," and she complied.

"I-I know where to go now," Thom said, his voice coming out small and uncertain.

"Well I can't just leave you here," the woman began, looking around at the chaos of the outer courtyard. "Tell me where-"

"You're dismissed," Thom replied quickly. He tried to say it just like Father did to him. No one could argue with that tone.

The woman gaped at him for a moment, looking as though she had never been spoken to quite like that before. Thom felt more shame, he could remember actually feeling sweaty inside his winter furs, that was how hot he had gotten. But he could tell the guards were listening to him, and he was determined to act the way a lord was supposed to.

"Thank you for your services. I'm sure my father will reward you," Thom said, and without waiting for a reply he turned and began to walk towards the main hall.

Just as he crossed the threshold, Thom was once again scooped up into someone's arms.

"There ye are lad!" Coram exclaimed, holding Thom out to inspect him. "I was wondering where ye'd gotten off to."

Thom scowled at the man, "You left me."

Coram sighed in response, and set Thom down. To Thom's surprise, Coram knelt to make eye contact with him, and said quietly. "I'm sorry, lad. Yer sister needed me to hurry, but I'm sorry ye got left behind. I wouldn't have forgotten yeh though, I promise I was coming back. Forgive me?"

Thom nodded solemnly, although the hurt and anger inside of him was still slow to fade away. This was how it always was: Alanna did outrageous things, and Thom got forgotten in the melee.

"Hey, how did ye get back here so fast?" Coram asked, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Did you walk all the way here by yerself?"

Thom had opened his mouth to say, "The miller's wife carried me," but then he remembered the way the guards outside had looked at him, and he froze.

"I'm not mad, lad," Coram reassured. "I'm proud! Ye usually won't walk that far without getting tired." And that settled that for Thom. He didn't often make Coram proud, not like Alanna did, and so despite the shame creeping up his cheeks again, Thom said nothing and let Coram continue thinking him fleet footed.

"Well alright," Coram said after a moment. "I'm guessing that ye want to see yer sister." Coram grabbed Thom by the hand, and tugged him along to the entrance of the tower that the family lived in.

Alanna was in their room, in the bed they still shared, surrounded by hot bricks and warming pans. The fire was roaring, and next to it was a bath that was still faintly steaming. Maude sat in a chair at Alanna's bedside, holding the girl's small wrist between her fingers.

"Her heart is beating strong now," Maude whispered to Coram as they entered. "Keep her warm, and she should be fine. I ought to leave, Lord Alan will not be pleased if he finds I'm still here."

"Father came?" Thom asked. But Coram and Maude were still discussing Alanna's care, and neither adult took any notice of him.

Thom tugged away from Coram, and quietly crept towards his sister. Alanna looked more like herself than she had at the pond, but she was still too small and delicate to really be his Alanna. Her hair was wrapped up in a drying cloth, and underneath the cloth her face was still far too pale. She slept soundly, with her mouth slightly open, and for a crazy instant Thom had the urge to grab her tongue and startle her awake, like she sometimes did to him when they were supposed to be napping.

"Ye see lad, she's alright," Coram whispered from behind Thom, making him jump. "She's breathing steady now, and Maude says as long as we keep her body warm she should recover just fine." Coram settled himself into the chair Maude had vacated, and pulled Thom onto his lap. Thom kept his back to the old soldier, so he could continue to watch Alanna breathe. "See, the cold does funny things to yeh. It can kill yeh, but it can also hold ye between life and death, and if ye get brought back the right way ye can go on just as ye did before."

Thom knew then that he was right: his sister was truly invincible. Years later, when Alanna admitted to him that she had spoken to a Great God Thom could hardly have been surprised. The day of the pond had proven to him that his sister was far greater than this mortal coil, and that nothing, not even death, was ever going to hold Alanna back.


End file.
